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| long story short: no one's supporting me on this & it's not working. i'm making a new site and subbing to what's helped. feel free to talk to me and add the new one, but i just need a new start as i'm realizing i can only do this by myself. xox stay strong girls.
it's a work in progress, but yea here's the link. | | |
| the shins - new slang
but it's too late to go back. i can never go back.
in.
5:50 pm some paella rice+chicken, a few green beans+roasted potatoes+carrots, tea+milk+sugar, few sips of hot chocolate [300?] ...really just picked at everything
out.
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| sooo basically i need someone to give me a freaking kick in the ass. every week i work so hard to get down to 143. every weekend i get drunk and say fuck it and go up to 148-149. i can't keep doing this to myself; it's so unhealthy and unfair to my body. and plus, spring break is in 1 month! FUCK i need to start getting serious with paris in 5 days and my friends coming in 2 weeks who will want to try all the good food and shit (not like there's much, no offense to london since i still gained here). so this is what i can offer:
1) i'll post everyday and definitely tell you when i'm going away...you can look back in my weblog i'm consistent since i'm addicted to this shit.
2) i'll comment/yell at you whatever multiple times a day.
3) i won't judge how you're planning on losing weight if you can accept my basic plan (restricting/calorie shifting and exercise, but i'm not actually ana) and help me stay on track with it.
4) i'll post workout songs i like (and tips i've used) if it would help motivate you.
what i can't do is:
1) communicate on anything outside xanga...sorry i just need to keep this whole ed-nos thing to here since i can't risk anyone finding out.
2) post original real-girl thinspo...i don't know where to find it plus i'm busy and there's so many other fantastic girls on here that post tons that hopefully it should be a non-issue for being a diet buddy.
preferably someone who is taller and similar weight (i'm 5'8" and currently 148 post gross day), but really i just want someone to keep me on track who i can check in with regularly. if any of you girlies know of any challenges that are more free-form (i'm too busy to count points, etc. in addition to all the time i spend counting calories) would be lovely as well <3
so please do let me know if you're interested...this really is an informal thing but please i really need you girls right now x x xox
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| come down now, but we'll stay.
iron&wine - such great heights
i've been rediscovering music from garden state; next post will be more. i think i got my wish last night as i was praying before going to sleep to just let me sleep, since you never feel hunger when you're sleeping. i slept for 13 hours. and i'm still tired. needed to get dinner with friends, but ate like nothing...starve on. worst part is the gym closed at 5. blah...maybe turbo jam but i am really just so exhausted it's weird...might not post tomorrow as i'm doing a tour of random stuff in the uk. i hope cream tea or some shit at a market doesn't pop up to distract me. i feel so weak and unfocused and out of it right now.
in.
6:45 pm pea soup, sweetcorn, few bites of roasted potatoes, 1 small bite baguette, 1 green bean, 1 tomato wedge, 1 cucumber slice, apple, tea+milk+sugar [340?]
out.
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| my super skinny friend really pissed me off today.
she told me i have cellulite and basically laughed in my face when i said i wanted to order food after we went out. i'm sorry we're not all sticks naturally. it's sad that people say so many things that they never would if they knew how messed up my body image is and how i think about food. but then they would just lie and tell me to keep eating which i guess is much worse. i'm so bad at pretending i think i'm skinny and having confidence...i just really have none and have no idea how to hide it. we both had burgers...i wish the stupid burger she ate would pop up on her size 4 uk thigh the way it adds another fat roll to my fuckin' tum. i hate how she can get away with eating whatever she wants whenever she wants. i hate how she has no idea how painful the stuff she says is to me because i pretend i'm okay with being and eating like a fucking obese pig. i hate how i need to work out a shitload to try and even maintain my weight and keep my metabolism going. but most of all, i hate myself for being so weak and unable to turn down food. i hate myself for not loving the feeling of hunger and for being so obsessive yet still so fat and bingeing.
i just weighed in at 144 after that eating...not bad at all and i have no idea why the scale is being so nice when i have done nothing positive at all for my body today besides starving this morning...also, i need to poop but can't. fuck my life. tomorrow i am not allowed to go to the saturday market and get the awesome homemade pasta and fucking out-of-this-world cookies, nor am i allowed a fucking sandwich at lunch. i have done nothing to deserve to eat anything that isn't going to flush the fatness out of me.
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